Sometimes I wonder what the point is. It starts to feel like I’m living the same monotonous day on repeat. Sometimes I actually prefer the week to the weekend because at least I have to go to class and leave my room.

It’s like I spend 90% of my time doing homework, but it never feels like I really get anything done and there is always more home work I could/should/will be doing. I try to remind myself that I have to do the work here, so I can get good grades, get into USC, and from there get a job in television. But on days like today, that train of thought pretty much leads me to: “What makes me think that I’ll actually be any happier if I have that job in television? It’ll just be new things to be stressed about and some other kind of monotony.’ Never mind that I love writing and television because non of that seems to matter on days like today.

One of the big things that has me all bent out of shape is this English paper that I feel like I can’t write. What’s worse is that there’s a paper from my Camelot and Crisis class from last year that I could conceivably turn in instead, and even though I tell myself that I won’t, I really just want to fall back on that and not have to think about it any more.

I also feel silly for feeling like this, because I know in a few days after I’ve gotten through this patch I won’t even think about any of this… But right now it feels like I’ll never get out of this terrible funk.

I judge myself a lot.

Rebecca, the counselor I’ve been seeing, recommended that I do some self acceptance and self compassion stuff. I’m sure it would be good, I just haven’t taken any steps to actually do any of those things.
(After journaling and talking to my mom and joking with Natalie about how I needed to get laid I started to feel better)

 

If I’m gonna submit something for workshopping for the Creative Writing Club I’ supposed to do it by tomorrow. I don’t really have any in progress stuff, except for the screenwriting I’ve been playing with. I was going to wait on submitting that- partly because I don’t have a lot done, and partly because it’s my baby and I wanted to test the waters before I put it out there. But maybe I should just go for it, do some work on it and put it out there.

I’ve also thought some about doing the divorce short story. I wasn’t necessarily planning to continue work with it, but I’d be interested in getting some feedback on it, and it might be a good way to test the waters.

I just sent Ariel a text to tell her about the club and the next meeting. I wonder if I would feel strange workshopping that piece with her there. Really I just don’t want her to say anything to Angel about it, but then why do I even care? The answer to that is that I don’t want her to think it’s something that it’s not. Why that matters to me, I’m not really sure.

After how great the Vampire Diaries has been the last few weeks I want to play around with writing something supernatural more than ever- it just opens up so many themes and emotions that are hard to explore in a strictly real world sense. Maybe I’ll play around with a short story in that vein and workshop that. Maybe it’ll give me some ideas for other stuff.

I like the idea of possession, but rather than it being some outside force it’s like something from inside of you that has been pulled to the surface. The monsters being inside of us is the concept I’m really interested in. Maybe I’ll play with that tonight since I’m not going out.

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