I just got back from coffee (or more accurately- smoothies) with Kelseigh, it was fun. It was nice to hang out with someone who, more or less, has no connection to my regular life. I asked her some questions about USC, and it was nice to hear about it from someone who goes there- made me feel better about things.

I said something about how some days I feel like USC would be a great fit, and then other days I feel like “What am I thinking? That’s totally ridiculous!” She asked why and I said something about when I was first applying to college and applying to NYU and not thinking I was going to get in, just kind of applying because why not? And then getting it and not really believing it. Which sort of addresses the question, but doesn’t really answer it. So I thought about that on my little drive home. I suppose the answer would me that, as anyone who knows me knows, I romanticize everything, endlessly, and in my head there are ‘USC people’ just like there are ‘NYU people’ and… I don’t know what kind of people I am. It’s hard for me to conceive of myself as a USC or NYU person- not because I think it would be too hard, or because I don’t think I would make friends, not even because I don’t think I would like it there. It’s something about seeing myself as successful, as having what I want. For some reason, that is a very hard thing for me. I would say that’s part of the reason all the Hampshire and transferring stuff has been hard, because when I think about it I just see a big neon example of being unsuccessful and not ending up with that I wanted. Yet even as I feel that I know it’s not true. I know that I did really well at Hampshire, that academically I was a success, that I made friends and while I may not have been a socially butterfly, I was socially successful. In no way did I fail, I just… found that something wasn’t what I anticipated it would be and that what it turned out to be was… not the right fit. Hampshire is a great place. I would recommend it to almost anyone. I had some wonderful times. It’s just that for me, the good was not enough to outweigh the bad that I was experiencing.

I wish it was easier to remember that.

Any way, now I have to hang out/entertain myself for the ten 15 to 20 minutes while I wait for my mom to get back with the car and I head to work. I vow to spend these minutes stress free. Somehow.

Also- I feel I should note that I know there’s really no such thing as ‘USC people’ or ‘NYU people’ (unless you just take that to mean students who go there, in which case there is) but clearly what I know intellectually and theoretically is no always how I live practically.